Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Total Exhaustion......

No one ever said that having a child would mean giving up one of my favorite things, Sleep.  I had no idea how difficult it would be to get a decent night of sleep and how detrimental it would be on my mental wellbeing.  It may be one of the things that has made my impending layoff much easier to swallow.  I know that soon I will have the opportunity to take a nap when I am tired, or at least when baby Ruby is tired, and I won't have to be up before the sun to get to work on time.  There is also the factor of the husband, who has been off fighting fires in L.A., leaving the home duties for me to manage alone.  It has opened my eyes to the burdens and challenges of a single parent, or at least a taste of it.  I know that in a week or so I will have another set of hands to help out, but for now it is just me.
So, what does all this venting have to do with my future plans of creating thoughtful items that people actually want and need for thier children and for themselves?  I am not really sure.  But what I do know is that I am excited about the possiblity of exploring my talents and maybe make a little money doing it.  It would be wonderful to make money doing something I love.  It would be pretty funny if it actually became something profitable after years and years of college and a degree.  A degree in Liberal Studies and I do crafts for a living..... It would actually be really wonderful.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Reality quickly approaching

With only 14 days left of work my mind is constantly racing with ideas and potential projects.  I don't believe I have ever felt this way.  It is difficult to harness some of the thoughts and look at them realisticly.  I may not be working soon, but I will still have a full time responsibiilty here with my Ruby. 
I have been working full time or going to school with a part time job ever since I was 16, so the thought of not having a job to go to every day or school to worry about is very strange to me.  I am extremely goal oriented so getting good grades in college or putting on a flawless event/program at work was easy.  Not having major projects or future plans is actually really scarey to me.
At first, finding out I was losing my job was a total shock.  I really believe I have been going through the 5 stages of grief, actually twice.  I went through it when I thought my entire department was closing, then I went through it again when I found out I was the only one leaving.
1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me". No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss. I was sure that it would change and that I woud not really lose my job and then the second time I thought somehow it would still be fixed.  Many of my friends and family kept reassuring me that there was no way I was going to be the only one let go.
2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even. I have especially gone through this after the second notification.  I am still a little angry.
3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss.  I think I was doing this in my own head.  I was telling myself that I would quickly find something new.  I was making deals with myself that I would stay on track, go back to school, and get right back in the professional game right away, with no breaks.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss  well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb.  This was the crying stage.  I cried for about three days at work.  It was horrible to be there and I was absolutely miserable.  Just the thought of losing my job brought tears to my eyes.  I still think I am lingering in this stage.  I think it is really difficult for me to see myself as anything but a professional working woman.  The idea of being unemployed makes me really sad and feel bad about myself and my abilities.  I know that is not accurate but it is really difficult to ignore that I am the only one in my department that is forced to go when others are allowed to stay.
5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. I have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that the past is gone, that it is not my fault, they didn't lay me off because of who I am. Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing.  This may be one of the best things that ever happened to me.  I have always been driven by external factors such as grades, money, recognition.  Maybe this will give me some time to look inside myself and find what my true passion in life will be.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A new adventure awaits....

I will soon be embarking on the adventure of a lifetime.  Instead of the ole' 9-5 I will be able to devote all my time to my new creation and exploring my creativity.  My new creation is Ruby, the love of my life .  It is because of her that I am allowing myself to accept the changes in career that have come about and begin to see life beyond my job.  I do not know what to expect but what I do know is that I can not wait to spend more time with my family and have the opportunity to see what I can make of the skills I have been given.
I am hoping that this time will open up a world I have never seen and have only heard about....
I don't know who, if anyone, will ever read this but maybe I will and it will help me look inward during a challenging time in my life.